A dream .... I won't want to come true
Hi Kapil,
Goooood Morning on Blogspot !
After a pretty, (well if we use this to indicate 'quite a some' then : ) after a PRETTY long time I am here again. So many things to share, to express .... got married to the Love of my Life (oye to
Anamika, not C/Java) 5 months back and enjoying the perils of a recession/post-recession time (read no appraisals), movies, scrabble, chess, Ambani wars ..... more of that later perhaps.
Well, dreams, by their very nature, appear so perfectly obvious when we see them, but on remembering we notice the fallacies, at times ridiculous enough to vanish a dozen bogarts(ref.
Potter3). So this is one dream I had today morning which persuaded me to share. I don't remember all the details as they are fading a bit too quickly, so kindly bear. Here it goes,
Myself and a couple of friends go to a jungle adventure, a secluded place with giant clean-shaved trees with very-very long entangled branches. There we encounter some big hairy wolves and to save ourselves, we climb the trees. The wolves follow, howling and scaring every bit of us. Suddenly, it happens so, that the branch which I'm holding to, starts to fall down (unbroken), and then with an elastic motion, it goes up and I hear voices saying don't leave the branch, hold it tight... the branch goes higher and higher and it makes me feel as if I've surpassed earth's atmosphere (as in cartoon movies) and then I stay at the top, and finally I return back. To me, this is all I can remember. However, when I return back, I find myself in a completely different place.I am at my home, and either by twins paradox or due to some mysterious ailment(which put me into a special coma), ten years have passed and I'm of the same age yet. My parents and my wife greet me, are extremely happy to see me. Anamika has aged (well w.r.t. 10 yrs) gracefully and is very much excited. Nobody is telling what exactly happened 10 yrs back, but to them it's as if they'd come to terms with this fact, and accepted life. Anamika says "Come let's go to some nearby restaurant to celebrate, after all it was me who suggested you to go to that place". Quite curious to see India of ten years later, we go out and I find that the place has become very clean. The roads are big, not new though, but well maintained. We are walking down the street - which is remarkably less crowded, and suddenly some jeeps- with people shouting slogans in urdu/arabic, enter. Anamika tells me to rush for hiding somewhere. While we are at it, I come to know that all the means of communication and transportation have been forbidden for general use. A loud voice is heard from public speakers - "In these times when your country needs you, we don't want anyone to go to America or U.K." It has, almost Zardari's accent (not too sure). Meanwhile, the hooligans, dressed in long black robes (reminding of Taliban), catch and beat us, taking to a small unoccupied building. Anamika goes slightly unconscious, lying on the floor. I am badly bruised, sitting in pain and the goons are leaving. One of them is quite tired too and sits near me to relax. I, quite unaware of who or what they are, feel an immediate surge to strangle him. I try, but he is ready and quickly grabs me. I indicate that I am ready to move out, silently, not disturbing Anamika. We come out and he's joined by the rest of his gang. They beat me again, ask me to join Islam, I agree. They are laughing, one of them says "See, how easily a Hindu changes his stance, bloody kafir" and then they leave. I come back to the building, Anamika is awake now. She tells me that internet has been banned some time back too. I observe how much she has changed. From a prompt, proactive girl who used to question every unfair thing, she's become much more quiet, much more accepting - has probably agreed to this changed life, changed world. I know now why the roads were empty. Soon they'll be inaccessible too. We both stay there, water is dripping from the walls ... I am feeling exhausted, thirsty .... the reality is taking some time to sink in. And suddenly I hear a voice and I wake up.I am at my home, at my bed. Can't tell you how much glad I felt. You have to actually live in that world in order to tell the difference. I almost shuddered at its possibility. Reminds me of Kite runner ... of the fact that this dream is true of some people ... and I feel like humming ...
तेरी यह ज़मीन ... , तेरा आसमान ..., तू बड़ा मेहरबान तू बक्शीश कर ...
सभी का है तू... , सभी तेरे ...., खुदा मेरे तू बक्शीश कर ...
Kapil
P.S. The dream is quoted exactly as remembered without any censoring or spicing up.
Labels: Contemplations...
O' My dear friend
O' My dear friend! hold my hand,
Come let's play in the sea shore sand.
Making small castles that we dream together,
Which stand all adversities, all seasons, every weather.
Even if waves come, and wash it all away,
We'll make it up again, sans regret, without dismay.
As long as you're there, with your palm in mine,
We can face every crisis, every misfortune divine.
But O' my close friend! from love you stay away,
For this is one labyrinth, in which no one found a way.
You'll think of one name, morning noon and night,
Forgetting the world around, but to get a rare sight,
It wouldn't interest you then, to come and play anymore,
In a new world you'll move, it'll never like be before.
Smiling in your happiness, I'll hide my tears and pain,
But the deserted sands would know, you'll never come again.
And O' my dear friend! never say you're in love with me,
The day you utter these words, life'd change its meaning fully.
You'll start measuring us, from a completely different view,
Expecting from me, things, which hitherto we never knew.
We'll talk of this and that, and forget to share our joys,
Nor would we sense others' grief, from a mere change of voice.
The sands will dry up too, castles broken and gone,
Life would seem so strange, we'd be together, yet alone.
O' my lovely friend! Would you be my friend forever ?
We'll fight and play and laugh, but get apart never.
Making small castles, I'll read the dreams in your eyes,
And treasure them like you do, in life's lows and highs.
Whenever waves come, to wash them all away,
As one, we'd step forward, and firmly stand in their way.
In times of thunder and dark, I'll listen that careful whisper,
Showing you the radiance around, I'll make the differences blur.
I'll hide your eyes in my palm, whenever you're low and blue,
And present you all the pearls, which bring a smile to you.
My friend ! If you're there forever, with your hand in mine,
I'd love to live this life with you, so beautiful, a blessing divine!
Kapil
Labels: Reflections ...
Tic Tac Toe ...
Hi Kaps !
Hmmm long time no see .... well I guess this is becoming the most frequently used welcome line for my posts lately .... but seriously I was moooooooooooooooore than stimulated by this wonderfully effervescent link - OuchMyToe and immediately felt like sharing my thoughts too ....... hope I'd get back into flow soon ....
So ........ so much is happening around the world... my favorite II3 contestant lost to the Diktats of Democracy ... perhaps the worst possible way of acknowledging art ! ... and I was wondering what exactly would happen if this were to continue .... tomorrow they'll say that since Darjeeling never had a representation in a cricket team or hockey team, let's vote and put their youth in the national sports ... or since the NorthEastern minorities have never been in the main-frame, let's generously provide them exclusive access to all the best schools in country ! ..... Ah ofcourse ! ... this actually has been going on .... since long .... the Indian Idol is only a minor representation of the present Indian Ideals .... where 'the need' overrides 'proficiency', 'the number' overrides 'talent' and 'the mass' overrides 'the person' .... ....... hmmm can go on n on n on .....
So much is happening in the world around .... PDS lost public view of all creations by Moon, the founding member, moderator, the most active user and undeniably the best artist on the blog .... for all the not-so-pleasant reasons .... but still, ... being terribly optimistic ... it's for better I hope ... All the best Nanhi ! .... I'd be the first one to purchase ! ... (whenever, wherever) ..... and it won't be much difficult to gain fame ... after all, people have already started googling for you as a poet :D ....
Personally, the last few monce have been pretty diverse ... more full of breadth than depth of life ... while reading/mails/chat/orkut have suffered an all time low ... I have actually found myself addicted to phone and movies and driving and programmin (ahem, alrite the last one is nothin new) .... Introduction to linkedIn - the unofficial site of many official purposes .... finishing classics like Deewar and Pyaasa (57) .... and lotsa chit chat .... in fact, just few hours before .............
Get a short missed call from an anonymous number, I casually call back - the voice replies -
Yes ? ...
Hello, you called me just now ? ..
No ! ...
So how come would I know your number ? ....
How do I know that !....
Ok fine... No probs !
<disconnect> ..... Again a missed call ... and again .. I pick up this time <disconnect> ... amused, I call back again... and she says laughing - ok I am a friend of your friend and she din't have balance in cell ... hmm fine ... and as I call, I get the first sound -
'How can you call back just Anyone who gives you a missed call ???' ...
So ... I just felt like < wondering how does it matter?? >...
'arre but how can you Just call back without Knowing !! ' .....
'But it could have been any of my friends who just got a new number!' ..... < ...analyzing the nature and extent of crime :D >
'hmmm... < after some gap > .... college ja ke bigad gaya hai !!!' ..... ????? .... < dumbstruck > ... <shrug! ... the perils of being over responsive :D :D >
Anyways, I know some mails and scraps are pending ... hope I can convey my humble wish to be offline for coming few monce ....
Take care dear !
Keep writin,
Kaps
Labels: Life is Beautiful
An adieu...
Once upon a time a frogCroaked away in Bingle BogEvery night from dusk to dawnHe croaked awn and awn and awnOther creatures loathed his voice,But, alas, they had no choice,And the crass cacophonyBlared out from the sumac treeAt whose foot the frog each nightMinstrelled on till morning lightNeither stones nor prayers nor sticks.Insults or complaints or bricksStilled the frogs determinationTo display his heart's elation.But one night a nightingaleIn the moonlight cold and palePerched upon the sumac treeCasting forth her melodyDumbstruck sat the gaping frogAnd the whole admiring bogStared towards the sumac, rapt,
And, when she had ended, clapped.Ducks had swum and herons wadedTo her as she serenadedAnd a solitary loonWept, beneath the summer moon.Toads and teals and tiddlers, capturedBy her voice, cheered on, enraptured:“Bravo!” “Too divine!” “Encore!”So the nightingale once more,Quite unused to such applause,Sang till dawn without a pause.Next night when the NightingaleShook her head and twitched her tail,Closed an eye and fluffed a wingAnd had cleared her throat to singShe was startled by a croak.“Sorry – was that you who spoke?”She enquired when the frogHopped towards her from the bog.“Yes,” the frog replied. “You see,I'm the frog who owns this treeIn this bog I've long been knownFor my splendid baritoneAnd, of course, I wield my penFor Bog Trumpet now and then”“Did you… did you like my song?”“Not too bad – but far too long.The technique was fine of course,But it lacked a certain force”.“Oh!” the nightingale confessed.Greatly flattered and impressedThat a critic of such noteHad discussed her art and throat:“I don't think the song's divine.But – oh, well – at least it's mine”.“That's not much to boast about”.Said the heartless frog. “WithoutProper training such as I-And few others can supply.You'll remain a mere beginner.But with me you'll be a winner”“Dearest frog”, the nightingaleBreathed: “This is a fairy tale –And you are Mozart in disguiseCome to earth before my eyes”.“Well I charge a modest fee.”“Oh!” “But it won't hurt, you'll see”Now the nightingale inspired,Flushed with confidence, and firedWith both art and adoration,Sang – and was a huge sensation.Animals for miles aroundFlocked towards the magic sound,And the frog with great precisionCounted heads and charged admission.Though next morning it was raining,He began her vocal training.“But I can't sing in this weather”“Come my dear – we'll sing together.Just put on your scarf and sash,Koo-oh-ah! ko-ash! ko-ash!”So the frog and nightingaleJourneyed up and down the scaleFor six hours, till she was shivering and her voice was hoarse and quivering.Though subdued and sleep deprived,In the night her throat revived,And the sumac tree was bowed,With a breathless, titled crowd:Owl of Sandwich, Duck of Kent,Mallard and Milady Trent,Martin Cardinal Mephisto,And the Coot of Monte Cristo,Ladies with tiaras glitteringIn the interval sat twittering –And the frog observed them glitterWith a joy both sweet and bitter.Every day the frog who'd sold herSongs for silver tried to scold her:“You must practice even longerTill your voice, like mine grows stronger.In the second song last nightYou got nervous in mid-flight.And, my dear, lay on more trills:Audiences enjoy such frills.You must make your public happier:Give them something sharper snappier.We must aim for better billings.You still owe me sixty shillings.”Day by day the nightingaleGrew more sorrowful and pale.Night on night her tired songZipped and trilled and bounced along,Till the birds and beasts grew tiredAt a voice so uninspiredAnd the ticket office grossCrashed, and she grew more morose -For her ears were now addictedTo applause quite unrestricted,And to sing into the nightAll alone gave no delight.Now the frog puffed up with rage.“Brainless bird – you're on the stage –Use your wits and follow fashion.Puff your lungs out with your passion.”Trembling, terrified to fail,Blind with tears, the nightingaleHeard him out in silence, tried,Puffed up, burst a vein, and died.
Said the frog: “I tried to teach her,But she was a stupid creature –Far too nervous, far too tense.Far too prone to influence.Well, poor bird – she should have knownThat your song must be your own.That's why I sing with panache:“Koo-oh-ah! ko-ash! ko-ash!”And the foghorn of the frogBlared unrivalled through the bog- Frog and the Nightingale (Vikram Seth)
A wonderful poem, perhaps the first written art which made me cry. Its memory is almost as long ... and as beautiful .... as Yours ...An adieu...There aren't any tears as we part,Neither does it pain somewhere in the heart.Your eyes speak of anger and hurt,I'm glad to know, ... I've too learned this art !Of days when I looked in anticipation,Waiting,unfailing for your smallest indication.The words so tender you never bothered to hear,Preferring distance, in times we were near,Switching at whim, from intimacy to inscienceReminding consistently, this vice I must bear.The face which no more shined me with glee,Often a voice critic and culpatory.All I heard was an uneven mandate,All I felt was miserable melancholyI chose to be free, in one of those moments,Moving beyond you, and whatever you meant.Sans regrets, for I know I was true ...What was false, perhaps ... was every second spent.You talk to me seldom, I've changed... you say,Past the timidity, reply back now I may.You're no one to me, if you only condemn and pain,No more unqualified guilt, do I intend to gainIt's not a mere fancy, that you pleasure to playI'll simply reject, and look forward to my way.No longer would it be the meek and shy,No further would I only silently comply,It's all over now, how much you may try,All you'd find .. is newer dreams in these eyesAiming high, at the vast wondrous sky, Much more to attain, I have a lot more to fly,Here I apart, it's time to say Good byeAdios frog !... This nightingale refuses to die ...Kapil
Happy B'day :) ...
Labels: Contemplations...
I am free!
Gazing through the darkness, I now, can see
The purpose, this Life, is meant to be.
Beyond the misconceptions which are often brought,
In the unclear mind, the confused thought.
Flickering like a flame, dazed by ambiguity,
Of what to pursue, and what to not.
No more apprehensions, no more fears,
Realizing the futility of all those tears,
What I felt, what I loved, what I lived,
Judging me from you, during all those years.
Conflicting expectations, I hoped to attain,
Of some one, somewhere, in this cosmos; in vain,
Measuring my virtue, by its reward, the 'gain',
They're all gone, withered eventually, with pain.
Its clear ahead, the beginning, a Journey,
As always, as ever, of discovering 'me'
There are no inhibitions now, no incertitude I see,
I smile at myself, in absolute bliss, in glee.
Breathing the freshness, I feel, I am free,
Looking upto Life, I dare now, for victory! ...
Labels: Contemplations...
Delta ... The Change
Hi Kapil !
Hmmm, how odd to write at 3 am in night when I have the net from past 10 days :D ... and I used to think I'd be writing a post every week ! .... Anyways, here I am.
Considering my sanity and conscience exactly one year ago as a valid parameter, it's pretty interesting to sit back and realize the alterations ... extremely huge in their scope albeit, I'd like to make this audacious attempt at recognizing what matters the most.
The ambience, a drastic change ... from the carefree, effortless hostel life of studies and lotsa friends ... it brings me to a relatively rigid lifestyle where I live alone .... Initially, it used to be such a pleasure to observe and enjoy the merits of living in NCR .... so many shopping malls ... movies ... roaming ... Pizzas - a staple food ;) .... and then gradually the monotonicity creeps in .... it's the same / similar shops ... you can't be fascinated by the glossiness for too long if the substance is missing ... feels like saying, ok enough of this commercialism, may I have the cool breeze sitting at Limbdi corner back please ? ... ....
The people, ... hmm being in society, one always finds colleagues ... the ones which share your time at work ... at office ... at home ..... but friends ? ... Outta sight .... What is it ? ..... I just don't feel satisfied with the electronic interactions .... They are only 'nice-to-have's' .... somethings which we may require, but not the means of communication I'd like to 'live with' fr the Rest of my life ..... results ... a scrap or two occasionally ... a birthday wish (thnx 2 orkut) .... but mostly, Hi ! How r u ? Fine ! Tc ! .... ....... How did that 'Huge' circle of people shrink down to only few typed words ..... Life goes on ... yes it does ... but then it's for us to identify and shoot out those psychological barriers which advocate fatalism ..... Some people are always a part of our present .... and I'll always endeavor & search/create opportunities to meet :) ....
The goals, .... this is one aspect I think I've been going backwards ... it was so clear in the last 3 sems of college .... it's so confusing now ..... what's it ? ... I'm loving programs ... infact Job is the only best thing that has happened since college. Satisfying as present work, .... encouraging as a financial worth, ... and yes - the scope of learning till my wish ... (in terms of situations I mean) .... but does something remind / alarm me of anything missing ? ... ofcourse so many people in world don't do PG .... but I do wanna ! ... only how ? .. and what ? ..... I don't wanna leave the present ... no it's not the comfort zone of non-initiative .... but the extreme inclination to current scenario ..... could it be done along ? .... I dunno ... I wonder .... I refuse to think / decide rt now .... but till when ? .....
The life, ... well as was from school to college ... it seems fuller in sense of experience .... and yes fresh in terms of the career possibilities and scope ahead ..... but then, .... .... what about the human perspective ? ... How strange people simply go on ignoring this fact ..... saying I'll worry about that later ..... perhaps they know it's not going to be their call ... but I know it's in my hands... till a certain time limit ... and for God's sake it's about my whole life ! ...... if we devote so much of time thinking how we'll earn more efficiently, why don't we bother about the life-knot which will affect if we actually get to spend what we earn as desired or not ! .... and much much more ...... I wonder how come it's justified to believe that it's a disteraction ! ... I thought Job was a means to satisfy my ability to work and to earn for enjoying life .... it's in the last 2 words of this line that I believe we need someone .... who just can't be anyone. ...
Me, ... oh yes I have ... I've changed. From the heavily nostalgic days ... it's been a gradual acceptance of the present and simultaneous reduction in intimacy with people in general. I know at the end of the day it's gonna be me ... only me as of now ... It's been a subtle increase in the indifference to a number of aspects ... governed by the thought that minimizing 'what matters' stabilizes your reliance on it and hence maintains your calm and sanity. It's been helpful and effective so far ... the approach.
Hmm, lots of random pondering ... I can feel my eyes getting heavier now ... perhaps it's just the time to sleep ...
C ya later ...
Kapil
P.s. Some sharp n bitter observations are excluded ..... I'm too busy to devote my leisure time to anguish / woes :P ...
Labels: Contemplations...
What happens, to a shooting star,
A journey downwards, in its darkest hour
A sprightly smile, which fades into silence,
The murky darkness, flaunting its competence...
What happens, on a seismic wave,
A colossus of energy, from which none can save
The base of an edifice, which can no longer hold,
Crumbling under pressure, submitting to the new mould...
What happens, at an absolute catastrophe,
Everything collapses, in the omnipotent adversity
When human comprehension, reaches a new order,
Mind vacillating, In chaos, In order ...
When you see the wheel, spinning in reverse,
Further attempts, and the vision blurs
When all the efforts, are just in vain,
The more you try, further the pain
Every moment, every second, in agony it goes,
An incoherent irritation, exponentially it grows,
When a spirit experiences, its ultimate dilapidation,
Every element breaks, and acquiesces to decimation
An unbearable carcass, a broken soul,
Sans any ambitions, sans any goal,
Too tired to think, too exhausted to react,
Too finished to exist, only waiting... for the final act.
